Wednesday 11 June 2014

A story of careless tragedy, a whole lot of cash and the atom of fear.




"Dear Sir,

With all due respect I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I am Dr.ATAKATA IBAUTOO, the Bill and Exchange manager in our B.O.A which is Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa . I Hope and also believed that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident which I have on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of U.S 10.5Million united State dollars, TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS in an account that belonged to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.


Since we got information about his Sudden death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody Applies as the next of kin or a business associate to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines and laws, but unfortunately we learn t that all his supposed next of kin or relation died Along side with him in there summer holidays at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin or a business associate to the late deceased customer for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.


Since the bank law and guideline here stipulates that if such fund remained unclaimed the fund will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed Bills. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is that somebody from my country here Burkina Faso has know right to stand as the next of kin to claim the fund. So if can assist me to stand to claim the fund I agree that 50% of this money will be for you as a foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account which you are to provide for the transfer of the fund and 50% will be for me and my Family.

There after I and my Family will come over to your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated and further investment will done under your kind control after sharing the fund with you. Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your account as arranged, you must apply first to our bank as a business associate or next of kin to the late deceased person.


Please I will like this transaction to be strictly confidential between you and i Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you the official Text Of Application form which you will fill and send to our bank as the next of kin for the release and transfer of this fund into your designated bank account which you are to provide for the transfer of the 10.5 Million united state dollars.

I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is risk free transaction and you don t need to entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements has been made for the smooth transfer of the fund, Again I am given your 100% full assurance that your status and image will be protected by me, Secondly all the under ground work for the transfer of the inheritance fund on your behalf will be done by me as your insider in the bank , So for all this reasons you have to bear in mind that you have noting to loose only if you can abide to my instructions and also follow my advise as a banker .


My Dear Bellow are the information I needed from you to send immediately.

Your Full Name...........................?
Your Sex.................................?
Your Age.................................?
Your Country.............................?
Marital Status......................?
Your Occupation..........................?
Your Personal Mobile N°...................?
Your Personal Fax N°......................?


You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this mail, Alternative email address ( atakataibauttoo@rocketmail.com )

Get back to me immediately with those information?s I need from you so that I will send you the Official Text of Application Form which you will fill and apply to the bank as the next of kin.


Trusting to hear from you immediately,

Thanks


Yours faithfully.

Dr.ATAKATA IBAUTOO."



My reply - 


Dear Dr Ibautoo,

This is such a sad tale, for your client to lose his entire family in a plane crash is a tragedy. Although the recklessness displayed by your client in packing his ENTIRE clan on one aircraft is probably not one of his wisest decisions? 
I'd like to hear more about your cunning plan as I'm a bit short of cash myself and would quite like a two week holiday in Lanzarote next year. (Although I'm not so keen on the flying bit now) Do they do 'All-inclusive' holidays in your country? Does Burkina Faso have a sandy beach? What's the local beer like? 
Could you send me a photo of an elephant as proof that you really are in Africa.

Looking forward to your reply,

Tony.



Friday 14 June 2013

STATISTICIANS & IDIOTS: A WARNING FROM THE FUTURE.



In light of recent statistical revelations, the call for the publication of a surgeon's individual 'death rates', and Friday being the day you are most likely to snuff it while under the surgeon’s knife, here is a leaked transcript of a brief conversation between a man awaiting surgery and his surgeon's secretary.


Secretary: Good morning, Mr Glenfiddich's secretary, how can I help you?

Mr Flounder: Yes, good morning, my name is Mr Flounder, could you tell me about Mr Glenfiddich's procedure/mortality outcomes and what is his kill rate on a Friday afternoon?

Secretary: I'm sorry, I don't have those figures to hand and Mr Glenfiddich is always pissed at the golf-club on a Friday, does this help?

Mr Flounder: Erm, no, not really. I've seen somewhere that during 2012 Mr Glenfiddich performed seventeen surgical procedures for complex atrio-ventricular septal defects and one patient sadly died after contracting an unrelated post-op infection. Quite rightly I am worried that he won't be able to open me up without ending my life. How do you sleep at night knowing that you work for a mass-murderer?

Secretary: Sorry, could I take your name again?

Mr Flounder: Flounder. F.L.O.U.N.D.E.R. I'm booked in for next week?

Secretary: Ah, yes, I've found your appointment, 2.45, next Tuesday. You are going to receive cryotherapy for an outbreak of the human papilloma virus.

Mr Flounder: I'm having a fucking what?

Secretary: Mr Glenfiddich is going to freeze the wart off your ring-finger?


Mr Flounder: Yes, and quite frankly I'm bloody terrified, good day to you. *hangs up abruptly*

Tuesday 1 May 2012

You got the sauce.

I went to a Wimpy today and thoroughly enjoyed it, it brought back wonderful memories of a Wimpy bar in Archway, Nth London. The one I was in today was shiny, had funky lighting, great burger and prompt service, not at all like my memories of the mid-1970’s, a formica and Capital Radio filled steam room, on a rainy day, full of Arsenal fans and a poor introduction to the food of the gods; the burger.

Thursday 15 December 2011

A compilation of the 'pop-up porn advent calendar' tweets. Up to and including today.


Behind the 1st door on my pop-up porn, advent calendar was a picture of a young Gary Barlow and a Shetland pony. More to follow, tomorrow.

Day 2 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of a JLS, One Direction and the Cast of Glee performing the world's biggest Daisy Chain. Bless.

Day 3 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A young James May with a meerkat. Lovely.

Day 4 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A fully aroused Aldo Zilli and a bowl of Mascarpone cheese, Nice.

Day 5 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Frankie Cocozza, with a partridge in a pear tree. Nice.

Day 6 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of David Dickinson in a loose fitting smoking jacket and gold sling-backs. Nice.

Day 7 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Bez fisting a Norfolk Bronze turkey. Nice.

Day 8 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Angela Merkel, Anne Widdecombe and a unicorn. Really Nice.

Day 9 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Bernie Ecclestone climbing up Miranda Hart. Nice.

Day 10 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Sister Wendy eating a banana. Not so nice.

Day 11 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. The Hairy Bikers, naked from the waist down, chasing Jessie. J around Hampton Court maze. Sweet.

Day 12 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of the Chuckle Brothers and Sarah Palin in a sex swing. To me, to you. Nice.

Day 13 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. Bill Oddie, running naked through a corn field on a summer's day. Wearing Deely-Boppers. Sweet.

Day 14 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. Sepp Blatter and Pat Butcher, on an oiled-up bouncy castle, going at it like it's 1999. Sloppy.

Day 15 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A naked Kriss Akabusi & Kelly Brook, racing across the Millenium bridge on Spacehoppers. Smiley. 

Day 16 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A bizarre sex scenario on a chocolate trampoline with McFly, an Oompa Loompa and a sexy elf. Aah.

Day 17 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A naked Jay Rayner outside The Fat Duck, throwing handfuls of Sandwich Spread at Heston's guests.

Day 18 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A 60ft Rebekah Brooks, stood atop 1 Canada Sq, shouting "Who wants to see my cock?". Inevitable.

Day 19 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A picture of Gregg Wallace, marinating in a jacuzzi, filled with

Day 20 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. Eamonn Holmes charging naked through the streets of Pamplona, bellowing "My name is Gladiator". 

Day 21 of my pop-up porn, advent calender. John Terry being forced to mow Ainsley Harriott's front lawn, in just a pair of pink flip-flops.

Day 22 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. President Ahmadinejad and Barack Obama, wrestling naked in front of a roaring log fire. Sweaty.

Day 23 of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. James Corden jogging on a giant hamster wheel, singing 'Walking In The Air'. Stark bollock naked.

Last day of my pop-up porn, advent calendar. A naked Holiday On Ice starring you lot, choreographed by Barrowman, directed by Ken Russell.